Forget the vaccine skepticism. Forget the 9/11 truther nonsense. Forget the darkness retreats. This time he’s truly lost his mind.
“It is my intention to play for the Jets,” Aaron Rodgers said Wednesday on The Pat McAfee Show.
Have we gone through the looking glass? Are we but figments of some mescaline-induced nightmare where the Jets are not roundly terrible? Has Rodgers committed himself to a new fringe wellness trend in which weekly public humiliation is said to flush out toxins?
For a guy who loves hopping on podcasts to do his best Fredo Corleone impression, telling everyone in shouting range just how smart he is, the Jets sure seem like a dumb choice. Let’s break down and refute some of Rodgers’ favorite claims:
Okay, stop for a moment and think critically about what you’re doing. You are interested in a trade to the New York Jets, who have not seen a playoff game in 12 years. To be clear, you are willing to be employed by the New York Jets, a team Bill Belichick, an actual smart person, fled so quickly that his resignation letter was literally scrawled on a napkin. Once more, you are choosing of your own free will to play for the New York Jets, whose most iconic franchise moment was a quarterback running into a lineman’s ass. Surely you must understand how this decision appears neither critical nor thoughtful.
No. You won on Celebrity Jeopardy. Stop it.
Rodgers has no problem taking medical advice from Joe Rogan, a man who describes himself as a “fucking moron.” Is he taking career advice from Rogan as well?
Despite all of this, it’s possible, even likely, that Rodgers’ stint just south of Moonachie will end better than that of his predecessor, Brett Favre. Rodgers, without having taken a single snap as a Jet, is already outperforming Favre in his puke-green twilight years. And it all comes down to two crucial off-the-field stats: Rodgers, to his credit, has thus far sent zero unsolicited dick pics to co-workers and, to our knowledge, has not been accused of misusing welfare money from the state of Mississippi. (Favre, who is currently being sued for $3.2 million by the state of Mississippi and has already paid back at least $1.1 million to the state of Mississippi, denies misusing any welfare money from the state of Mississippi. Another point in Rodgers’ favor: he is much less litigious.)
If Rodgers can keep up that pace, he’s got No. 4 beat clean. The bar is not very high. Incidentally, this is also the team motto of the New York Jets.
Of course, there is always the chance that Rodgers is simply planning to mail it in once he arrives. It’s a strategy that seems reasonable: collect huge cash for minimal effort, soak up the New York City nightlife, and swap theories about CIA brainwashing tactics with like-minded folks as they mutter to themselves on the subway.
But does he really need the stress? Especially when he can just retire and go straight into broadcasting, with a sweet prime-time slot on InfoWars? Alex Jones might not have any money left, but if Rodgers doesn’t mind taking his paycheck in horse dewormer, he’d be set for life.
This content was originally published here.